I’ve noticed a trend of various women figures (some more well-known than others) using the term “girl crush” to describe women who they claim to feel deep appreciation for, ostensibly on (mostly) non-sexual/romantic levels.
I’m pretty sure that the women who use this expression aim to present as heterosexual. While they may comment on the physical qualities of their said crush, thus playing into the double-standard that a straight woman can find another woman sexy and not be labeled lesbian or even bisexual, while a straight man who does this is usually considered gay (even with the growth of metero-sexual “bromance” culture), this usually isn’t the case. While physical appreciation sometimes is suggested, It’s much more likely to hear women comment on another woman’s humor, activism or spiritual focus, or life mission as the reason for their “girl crush”.
I’m not out to stop heterosexual-labeled women from expressing desire and admiration for other women, romantic or otherwise. What I do find troubling, however, is that the term “girl crush,” often used as an all-encompassing phrase to describe appreciation of other women in a (mostly) non-sexual/romantic context, isn’t available to those who aren’t heterosexual women.
As individuals who appreciate others on a spiritual path/ activism path/whatever path we consider ourselves on, it seems we are in need of better language to describe this deep appreciation. “Girl crush” has emerged in our language as a stand-in that, until now, seems only available to straight women.
It is challenging to talk about the profound draw we have for people of all genders and sexual orientations. But we deserve better than the limited phrase “girl crush” to describe this something-other soul connection. I’d love to hear if you have any suggestions for how to describe the deep, intense appreciation that is (not exclusively) romantic between two people, regardless of gender.
Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments!
queerveganfood.com 
I just wanted you to know how much I love this post, and how deeply it resonates with me. As a lesbian with a life partner — and in a monogamous relationship with her — I still find I develop “crushes” on other women. It’s something I have found myself fight to some level, because I tend to think that it’s unacceptable. But the truth is, it is what you said — it’s a soul-connection, and it doesn’t mean that I want to cheat on my partner. I am trying to actually embrace that part of me that becomes so enamored with certain women. I’m trying to see it as a good thing, instead of a flaw, or something to worry about. We are turned on in different ways by different people, and I am beginning to think that’s okay. It doesn’t need to rock the boat!
But I digress. I am with you — I think “girl crush” is such a heteronormative and “cutesy” way of straight women admitting to having some degree of feelings for another woman. I must say, in retrospect, I’d venture to guess that many of my great loves, or intense relationships with women, began as what straight people might call a “girl crush.” I have never articulated this before (your blog entry was very thought-provoking!), but I wonder if part of the “cutesy-ness” of “girl crush” is a way to actually suppress what might be Actual Feelings, feelings that mainstream society has worked to suppress in the majority of otherwise gay or bisexual — or somewhere in between — women? And though I don’t want to be that “humorless vegan lesbian,” I must also admit to being sort of offended by the use of “girl” there. It’s kind of infantilizing — which, okay, might be a slight exaggeration.
I am also with you that I think it’s great that women can recognize, at least on some tiny level, that they do have these infatuations or affectionate feelings for other women. I don’t want to stifle that. But I also agree we need to move beyond “girl crush.” Perhaps, rather than finding a substitute phrase, straight women can accept that they might actual bonafide feelings for someone else, even if it’s a woman, and even if they are already in a relationship, and yes, even if it is with a man. Maybe if we as a society stopped othering gay people, it would become less of a big deal. It would just be labeled as affection.
Thanks for getting my brain juices flowing. I love that your approach is always so non-judgemental yet opinionated.
Thank you, this comment totally helps me contextualize the discussion. Expressing our appreciation for and connection to other human beings is so important! I do try to stay non-judgemental, thank you–I guess I just really care about finding ways to talk about how we appreciate each other so that no one feels left out, and that accurately describe the depth of human connection. I plan to use terms like Samantha June Blog suggests in the meantime…
Another great post! I’ve also been annoyed with this terms for similar reasons, but I’ve actually heard it used in queer-circles in a way that seems to make sense too. For example, my very butch ex-gf who is into femme women talks about having girl-crushes on other butch women. Queers are great at reclaiming things, so perhaps we could just own that term in the same ways….But it’s complicated, for sure.
Very, very interesting!
This is such a beautiful/insightful post. Thank you for sharing your perspective!
Being comfortable with expressing love for other humans is a personal goal I am working on, so the concept that openly sharing appreciation for another person as becoming more and more popular is definitely what I would consider a step in the right direction.
Perhaps instead of using gender-biased terminology we should all just express the emotions/opinions we actually feel: I love that you… I appreciate how you… Thank you for…
I agree with you–gender-based terminology isn’t necessary, and using simple expressions feels like a good way to share appreciation and gratitude. Thank you, sjschieb!
I usually just say “friend crush,” and people get what I mean. I have feelings like that for people all the time, male and female, so it made more sense to not attach a gender to it. Also, having “friend” in there makes it clearer that it’s a (mostly) non-sexual/romantic kind of crush.
I appreciate you addressing the distinction between the two kinds of crushes, because I’ve had feelings for women that weren’t taken seriously enough because of the perception of what a “girl crush” is.
I use “friend crush” too and I think it clearly outlines a platonic attraction or deep feelings without limiting gender or sexuality.
While some contexts and word usage can be convoluted, I see it as very positive that people are sharing their positive feelings towards each other. And for some, this may be a small step towards facing some possible feelings of bi/homosexuality that is socially acceptable.
Yeah, I don’t know. I can’t say I find anything problematic in some larger socio-political way with use of these terms. I find the term “girl crush” overly cutesy, which annoys me on a microscopic level. But that’s about it. I don’t see the double standard and frankly I think we’ve come a long way as a culture that anyone who is straight identified feels comfortable expressing some level of attraction toward someone of the same sex, even if it’s in a cutesy or glib way. At least there’s a language for that now, just as there is now (thankfully) a language and framework to understand and appreciate deep male homosocial bonds–“bromance.” That definitely didn’t used to be the case for either women or men in those situations. But I guess the larger point is: who is this harming and how?
I see what you’re saying. I guess I’d like to be included, and I’d like people of all sexual orientations and genders to be included in expressing deep appreciation that is not exclusively romantic or sexual towards another being. I’d like us all to find words to express deep appreciation and draws to others without bringing in gender and sexual orientation.
I think it is indeed great that our society has progressed such that it is acceptable for women to acknowledge their infatuation or feelings with other women, and for men to acknowledge the same. Sarah is not saying that the terms “girl crush” and “bromance” are seriously harming anyone. In my opinion, it’s just languaging that needs to be upgraded to be more inclusive, and issues like how these terms preserve the privilege of heterosexuality. I also really resonate with the points the first commenter, jay en ess, wrote.
Um…yes…guilty as charged.
You know, it’s funny, as a straight person, I find that there’s not good language for men I feel the same way about. If I talk about having a boy crush, it’s automatically assumed that it’s romantic, whereas it’s totally acceptable for straight women to have girl crushes (I have many). And yes, I find some of my girl crushes- as well as my boy crushes- physically attractive as well. It all gets very confusing to communicate.
You’re right- we need better language, but since we lack it, I’ll probably still wind up using this term as a way to honor a woman my spirit loves, admires, and is drawn to.
Thanks for starting a great conversation- and if there’s a more inclusive, less dualistic way to phrase such admiration, I’d be happy to adopt it.
Much love
Lissa
Dr. Rankin, you’re amazing. Thank you for your thoughtful comment! You are SO right on about the “boy crush” issue. I think we do need better language, and I’m not at all offended when people say “girl crush” –I just thought it’d be good to think about how we can expand language to suggest spiritual connectedness to others. Thank you for sharing this and continuing the dialogue!
I think there’s a lot of denial going on here.
We use these terms when we don’t want to admit sexual attraction.
Whether it’s heterosexuals discovering an awkward attraction to someone of their own gender or anyone in a monogamous relationship who finds they have the hots for someone besides their partner. Or even people who aren’t quite ready to confess their true feelings even when there’s no other reason why they might not.
I know why we deny this. Note, for example, heterosexuals have to announce that they’re heterosexual even when they just join in a conversation with lesbians/gays. Because heavens forbid anyone should think they might be…you know, queer. And fancying someone else when you’re in a relationship is just plain inconvenient.
But being sexually attracted to someone shouldn’t be a problem…it’s what you choose to do with it that counts.
So girl crush, friend crush, man crush, bromance whatever you want to call it, it doesn’t matter…we know what it really means.
Wow, your post is actually a great realization. “Girl crush” is really different from a lady’s point of view or for some guys who can sincerely express their admiration to the women they are friends with.
Thank you, Sarah!
I have to admit: I have used the term “girlcrush” (in a post devoted to Laura Beck no less) in exactly the careless way you address: no real implication of desire, no more elegant way to describe admiration for a stranger. Mea culpa, to say the least. I am typically very conscious of being precise with my language and what it implies, so it’s very important to me that someone point out when I’ve used a phrase without thinking hard enough about what it implies, and what I mean.
Humbly, and with apologies to everyone who heard me,
G xo
I think Jayne nailed it on the head, personally. I always hear “girl crush” from heterosexual women accompanied with the unnecessary explanation that it isn’t sexual. Even if it is sexual, who cares? We are meant to have emotions and feeling for others and rather then dismiss them with cutesy nicknames we should just deal with them. Unfortunately we aren’t in a society where a straight women could freely admit a sexual attraction to another women without being boxed and labeled as gay. *sigh* Labels are the worst…
While, “girl crush” is a catchy single-syllable phrase, it fails us in its simplicity. The difference between admiration and adoration is such an ocean of complex emotion society must simplify it to keep it acceptable. I also find the lack of physical attraction a cheat. Any heterosexual crush I’ve had is also physical, so why would my homosexual crushes be denied that element? Another aspect of these so-called “crushes” is that they are passing fancies with little to no recriminations or heartbreak. Yet so many crushes do have that sad but true eventuality. While I won’t wait growing old for society to come to terms with and for these complexities of the heart, “girl crush” is a term I will leave for others.
Humm.. I believe all people have feelings now and then for persons of the same sex. PHysically, emotionally, spiritually, and of course mentally. We are people who are here on earth to love others.. From the very young, to the very old, a beautiful woman, or handsome man, can give someone a quiver, goose bump, flush in face, just being in the same room. It is a dance, and brings grace, a certain smile, and a glimpse of mystery to life.):
I feel like you’ve just described the feeling I get when I meditate and drink a piping hot cup of medicinal mushroom tea: tingly and excited and simultaneously at peace. Thanks for that! 🙂
Yeah I totally agree. Like someone said above, “friend crush” is much better.
I am SO glad that you posted on this issue! The “girl crush” is most definitely a social construction, like you said a socially acceptable way for a heterosexual woman to express her feelings for another woman. I’ve always felt that this “crush culture” falls securely within the realm of heteronormativity, and that it’s emphasis on nonsexual feelings only feeds into these socially prescribed norms the phenomenon upholds. Whew. Loved the post! Thank you for putting this out there!
I definitely think that “girl crush” is a way of de-sexualizing an attraction to another female. I think the term kind of trivializes female feelings (mine)… but, on the other hand, I kind of like the excited, breathless feeling that the word ‘crush’ implies.
[…] The Girl Crush Problem is a post I just read while looking for a recipe for gluten free vegan chocolate cookies but it reminded me of a discussion that we had in class a few weeks ago when reading Adrienne Rich’s piece. Rich makes use of Audre Lorde’s definition of the erotic which might be what this blogger is looking for. Check out the post and the comments. Maybe you want to read the linked Audre Lorde piece and share that as your own comment on the original blog or comment here! […]
This is a very good post, and I must say-several experiences in my life have made me ask myself, what exactly is the difference between a ‘girl crush’ and an actual crush on a girl because you like them? As in *really* like them gf material:)
I remember many years ago in high school when I had a crush on a girl, and I told people I liked someone in the class without ever mentioning her name. I later put that experience down as a deep ‘admiration’ and ignored it.
Fast forward a few years and I have a massive case of ‘admiration’ for a teacher. You know, constantly thinking about her 24/7:)
Then another few years later and BANG, I totally fell in love-oops, *admiration* with this girl. It was totally unexpected, and I know now that it was definitely not because I wanted to be her or admired her style.
It was a difficult period because it felt confusing at times-did other girls feel this way? I was too embarrassed to talk about it with anyone. I was in that grey area Jayne was talking about, and I desperately didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t perhaps quite straight.
But I finally I accepted that this ‘admiration’ was much more than that and I decided to open up. Suddenly, I felt a lot more comfortable with myself and realised that it was ok to like another girl. As in more than a girl crush. And it felt great!
So while I understand people like Jenna Marbles who discuss Girl Crushes on their youtube channels (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylVlkv1el3Q), there is a part of me that thinks-to what extent can you label liking a girl a girl crush? When I’ve liked a boy I would say, I like him. And when I liked a girl I’ve said the same-I like her. Not a girl crush-because for me that suggests I don’t want it to go anywhere when I do lol!!^^
I guess in the end people will use what they feel comfortable with, and who knows I may have used this phrase in the past under the right circumstances. But I reckon I’m gonna stick to plain old ‘like’:)
Allison nails it with “I definitely think that “girl crush” is a way of de-sexualizing an attraction to another female.”
I think there is physical admiration in there that women want to sublimate and also have the freedom to express their attraction and admiration of other women in a way men can’t, without having to tack on the label of bisexual. This sort of thing isn’t available to men, and in a heteronormative society, it’s mostly available to women only with the little “girl crush” label.
Why isn’t that term available to non-heterosexuals? Why doesn’t it mean the same thing? I think that “crush” does imply the admiration and the knowledge that it is not likely to be acted upon. Saying “girl crush” just distinguishes it from a crush on a boy. Not that simple?
Lust = sexual attraction; Crush = admiration (perhaps also “lust”?)
I haven’t heard non-heterosexual folks really use it much but maybe it’s catching on? Thanks for bringing this up.
I think we only need new language if we are afraid to reveal a vulnerable, intimate connection with someone of the same sex. If the first woman who used the term was totally comfortable with herself, and the fact that she was attracted to something in this woman, without it having any implications for her sexual identity or her image in the eyes of the media or friends, maybe she wouldn’t have found herself calling it something different.
I’m lesbian and I get HUGE girl crushes! I love that phrase and nobody can stop me from using it!
How about just “crush”. Live with the ambiguity – its good for us….
You could try simply using the main reason for your attraction as the adjective for the crush. For instance I have a professor I admire deeply, but for many reasons would never pursue a romantic relationship. I say that I have an “intellectual crush” on him, because I am drawn to his intellect and the way he makes me think in class. Gender and sexuality is taking completely out of the equation, simply because it is not the factor that’s important.
That’s what I do! I have brain crushes and voice crushes and erm… I say I love people’s faces when I’m aesthetically attracted to them but there’s nothing else there.
Personally, I’ve always thought of a crush as being a physical attraction to someone, kind of an infatuation.
Oh, I just looked it up in Webster’s dictionary and it does say a crush is an infatuation. Also, Webster says to be infatuated is having an irrational passion or attraction. Further, Webster says irrational is not capable of reasoning.
On that note, you may not want to rethink your use of “crush” to describe your admiration of another person because it implies you are infatuated and not capable of reasoning.
Just sayin’….
I mean you may WANT to rethink….
I love this post Sarah! It reminds me again, the power of language. I don’t think I use the term “girl crush”, but I’m sure I have in the past! I like “bestie”, which for me signifies “I love you, I want to be around you all the time, but we’re not romantic”. At the same time, I’ve heard grown women say, “I don’t have best friends, I’m not 8 years old”, haha. I also was going through a period where I said, “Oh, I’d want you to be my sister wife” which I see now as problematic because I’m not Mormon and have no intention of sharing a partner (husband/boyfriend/romantic male companion — I’m hetero) in the future, so I see doing a disservice there as well! As much as I may love the idea of sister wives, it’s a serious lifestyle choice for some people, and I kind of diminish it by throwing the term around, just cause I meant I wanted to be around my female friends for life.
Thanks for this post! I read it weeks ago and I haven’t been able to shake it.
I think this may just be a difference of interpretation. I’m straight, I’m a feminist. I use the phrase “girl crush” to describe women I find seriously attractive. As in “would definitely make out with.” Not girl-crush to say, I admire you or want to be a friend. It’s not a friend crush. It’s me, a straight woman, going, I THINK THAT WOMAN IS SUPER SEXY AND I WOULD.
Just throwing that out there.
Thanks for sharing. I don’t think that’s typical use case of the phrase, but you’re right, some straight women do claim “girl crushes” as a safe form of experimentation and/or exploration of their non-straight feelings, because “girl crush” clearly states, “hey, I’m straight, I’d make out with her but it’s not my sexual orientation.”