At time of publishing of this blog post, there are currently 17 states in the United States that allow gay marriage (this is not including Utah, which recently allowed gay marriage for a very short window of time). In the movement for “marriage equality,” we have seen states allowing gay marriage, then having it taken away, only to have it restored later (California). We’ve also seen states that allow gay marriage, get it taken away, and have those unions validated but possibly will have no future marriages in the foreseeable future (Utah). Lastly, we’ve had states allowing gay marriage and having it indefinitely–thanks in part to the strikedown of The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). If you’re keeping up (as we LGBTQ folks and our allies try to), whenever a state allows gay marriage, history (herstory!) has shown it may or may not stick.
In the wake of all of this, I feel it is necessary to express some serious concerns I have about a little-talked about side effect of the hokie-pokie dance of same-sex marriage legalization and de-legalization in various states: I call it, “The Gay Marriage Speed Trap.”
While I understand that the majority of gay marriages these days are between folks who have been in love forever and have been just waiting for the law to catch up (bravo to them!), many of us in queer communities either 1) haven’t wanted marriages for various political/social reasons and/or 2) haven’t been ready (ex/ we are in new relationships and/or feel we want to wait until we are older to make this life decision).
It’s really stressful as a young gay person to have states in the United States randomly allowing gay marriage for short windows (like Utah). It puts a LOT of pressure on us young gays or gays in new relationships to get married right away–after all, it may not come back for a year, five years, or potentially ever–so there’s a weird rush to go down the aisle ASAP. I wonder, don’t we deserve the same opportunity to deliberate about marriage as our straight compatriots?
My concern is that in the rush for marriage equality, many of us need to take a step back and look at what marriage means and whether it is right for us–especially right now. For my friends and fellow LGBTQ community members who have been with partners for many, many years, and have been planning nuptials in their minds forever–swift legalizations of marriage are wonderful. I am so thrilled for them, truly. But for those of us in our twenties, or for whom marriage wouldn’t be in the cards at this time no matter our sexual orientation, sudden legalizations of gay marriage (that may or may not be temporary as in Utah) can feel like a whole lot of pressure to get married before we’re ready.
As a pure coincidence, I recently traveled to Utah to spend the holidays with my partner Courtney and her (gay-friendly) family during the short window that gay marriage happened to be legal there. I did not anticipate the barrage of messages I received from distant friends and relatives who wondered if Courtney and I were planning to get married while in town! It hadn’t even occurred to me, but it makes sense that those who are not super close in relation would potentially think we were headed to The Beehive State to get hitched.
While neither of us feel at all ready for that step in our lives, I’ll admit: I thought about it. The “lack” mentality that sudden gay marriage legalization and then de-legalization causes is a real force with which to contend. A friend of mine got married in California before Prop 8, as she worried that if she didn’t before it passed (it was about to go through), she wouldn’t get the chance for a while. She told me she felt that she wasn’t truly prepared, and that the marriage wasn’t really right–but because of the legal situation, she felt it was necessary to make that quick decision. I also have friends from Connecticut who got married as soon as it was legal, but weren’t ready, it turned out, and had a nasty time trying to get a “gay divorce.” To be fair, “non-gay” marriages happen all the time under false pretenses, but these legal marriage speed traps do feel like a uniquely queer scenario. While it’s impossibly easy to get a “straight marriage” any time of the year in any state, getting a gay marriage isn’t always such an easy feat in each state. Can you blame some of us for rushing in before we’ve really considered if we’re truly ready?
The bottom line is that it’s super unfair that we LGBTQ folks have to deal with this. We deserve to get married to those we love when we feel ready, and to know that marriage will be there for us in the future. Those who claim to be “neutral” about same-sex marriage (I’m talking straight folks who aren’t openly homophobic but aren’t pushing for marriage equality, either) need to understand the serious implications on our psyches, hearts, and lives that having limited to access to marriage creates for us, including the feeling that many of us need to “grab marriage while we can.”
While we can be excited for rapid spread of same-sex marriage to many states, my hope is we can also remember to really evaluate whether a) we think marriage is right for us at all and b) whether we want to get married right now, just because we can, and it might not come back for a while (or ever) in a given state. I greatly hope that one day, this won’t be an issue–all states will have marriage equality, and will give gays and straights the same opportunity to deliberate and choose whether marriage is what they desire. I hope that our straight allies will support us in our efforts to gain the equal opportunity as they have to choose marriage out of love, and not out of fear that it will be soon taken away. I expect and hope herstory will be in our favor on this.
I’d love to hear others’ thoughts on this. xoxo
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Thanks for writing this, Sarah. It’s very thought-provoking. It’s honestly not something I have thought about from this perspective. I’m married (to another woman), in New York State. We had been together for years before tying the knot (at City Hall, without telling anyone except our witnesses). I’m in my 30′s; she’s in her 60′s. Marriage was never on the table for us because, for the most part, we were uninterested in it. It didn’t really speak to us and seemed to perpetuate the icky reality of oppressing single people. (Ugh!) I had even been very outspoken in the past about how the best thing straight people could do for the LGBT folks was to stand in solidarity and abstain from the legal privileges until they were available to everyone.
But then, we lived in Oregon for 6 months — a state where same-sex marriage existed, fleetingly, and then was promptly taken away. We suddenly saw things differently. When we got back to NYC, we realized what a privilege it was to have the ability to choose to get married (and what a disgrace it was that Oregon had reneged that privilege — not to mention what a disgrace it was that marriage wasn’t recognized federally — not that we feel government should, in an ideal world, have anything to do with dictating the legality of relationships). Anyway, things looked different for us. And there were personal reasons, too — as well as activist-reasons — why we finally chose to get married. We were ready, in many senses. (Though, admittedly, a lot of the reasons that irked us before getting married — such as the fact that we’re now participating in a system that inherently subjugates single people — still does not sit well.)
But let me back up: Several years ago, when we were visiting Canada, we thought about getting married while we there, because — as you said — WE COULD. At the time, very few states in the U.S. allowed gay marriage (NY was among them). We thought about it, got a little emotional about it (not in a good way), and then, ultimately, decided against it. And I’m glad we decided against it, because we weren’t ready. It never really occurred to me, until reading your article, that the problem was that we were jumping at the chance to do something simply because WE COULD. When, as you said so eloquently, that shouldn’t be an issue on the table at all. None of us should feel the need to jump onto a bandwagon SIMPLY BECAUSE THAT BANDWAGON IS IN FRONT OF US.
I really like being married. In the past year since getting married, I admit that I have even gotten a little used to saying “wife” instead of “partner” sometimes, when the situation seems right, when it will make a point (normalcy), or when it just comes out. But you definitely hit on something that a lot of people don’t think about (including me — and I think about gay marriage a lot). So thank you for bringing this up. I think you’re brilliant.
Everything about what you’ve shared is awesome, Jasmin. Thank you so much for your candor and insights. It’s so powerful and helpful to hear your experiences. Sending so much ❤ and gratitude, S.
Great blog, my love. It’s just really unkind, unfair, and unloving that same-sex couples have to be jerked around in this way. And it makes me sad that so many straight people aren’t bothered by it / don’t care. It’s slowly changing and I hope equality accelerates!
I hope and expect it to accelerate as well! xo
I totally appreciate this post. Marriage has always been such a mysterious subject for me, as a child from a widowed/divorced household. It’s an institution that is supposed to be what we all inspire to attain, especially women.
I remember being a little girl and my fellow female friends would talk about what their weddings would be like, and I chafed even then at the idea of wanting such a thing at our age, knowing nothing of love or future partner.
Freedom to marry means just as much the freedom to not marry, and experience love and relationships without the pressure or expectation to marry. This current legal rollercoaster that plays with the queer community’s rights effectively strips all of these freedoms away from individuals and couples, and I’m so glad you articulated this so clearly.
So well said, Ivory. It IS a rollercoaster. We’re being jerked around, rights wise (and yes, not just around marriage issues). It’s crazy how the indoctrinations/ value-based messaging about marriage starts when we’re kids. Thanks so much for your insights.
Kate and I love this post Sarah. You are expressing thoughts and feelings that I’ve had for awhile now. Although I support all peoples right to marry, I have had the sense that the phenomena that you describe, would rush some of our gay brothers and sisters into “shotgun” weddings without time to process what’s really right for them and their relationship. Thanks for giving voice to something very important in our community right now.
Thanks for sharing, Adena. It’s really helpful to hear that you’re feeling some of this coming up around our communities as well. ❤ to you both.
A really thoughtful and well-explained post, and I couldn’t agree with you more! I’ll be thinking of LGBTQ folks on your side of the pond a lot this year.
Thanks, Imogen Michel.
Awesome post and such an important point! I really don’t understand how anyone can be against marriage equality. I know the day is coming when we have marriage equality in all states (and I think it will happen in our lifetimes). But it’s not coming without a strong fight, and we all have to be soldiers in the war for equal rights. There is nothing more important in the US right now (as far as I’m concerned) than the fight for equality. This is no different than the civil rights battles of the 1960s.
I live in Tennessee, a state that voted in favor of a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage in 2006. Just a month or so ago, four Tennessee couples who were married in same-sex marriage states (one in Memphis, where I live) filed a lawsuit against Tennessee. And such lawsuits and court battles will be the only way the ban is overturned in a red state like mine. Luckily, many states are connected through their Courts of Appeals, and if a case goes to a Court of Appeals from one state and your state is in the same circuit, the judge could issue a broad decision that will impact all the states in that circuit. And that’s a very good thing. I’m thankful that the courts can intervene. It gives me hope. Lots of hope.
Hi Sarah, thanks so much for this post!
I believe we are in the same boat here. While it is illegal for me to get married in North Carolina (thanks to last year’s Amendment 1) I’ve also felt a great deal of pressure to get hitched when in an area that “allows” same sex marriages. Ultimately, I feel this is a failure of the straight community–while attempting to be supportive and understanding they further “other” those in the LQBTQ community. No one asks straight couples if they’re going to get married on a road trip. I often feel further ostracized when people bring this up because it only emphasizes the point that LGBTQ folks aren’t equal and that our relationships are still not recognized by the nation as a whole. I think that this push for couples to wed when and if possible is quite the conundrum and reminds me of an article I read in a women’s studies class during undergrad that talked about the reasons that legalizing gay marriage won’t change everything and in many places won’t make things better for LGBTQ identified folks either.
I am so glad that you used your blog as a platform on which to discuss this issue. Thanks so much for your great writing on this and the other topics you engage here!
“No one asks straight couples if they’re going to get married on a road trip…it only emphasizes the point that LGBTQ folks aren’t equal and that our relationships are still not recognized by the nation as a whole. ”
So, so true. Thank you so much for sharing these points, Rachel.
Great article Sarah! As someone who is queer identified and question marriage for personal/political reasons, I have never thought long about the push for queer couples to get married quickly. It totally makes sense and definitely a topic that needs to be discussed within the community! Growing up in MA same-sex marriage has been legal for a decade and I have never had to experience it taken away, as others do in other states. All in all great article and hopefully one day everyone will be able to marry who they love! Love your site! 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing, Amanda!